Diary of an Imperfect Mother.....

I took a step "out of the boat" this year and felt completely led to start working with the High School students at Clearview. I spent 8 days in San Diego on an Upward mission trip this summer with 7 of the most amazing youth and just came home craving more......I knew God was calling me. I do have a tendancy to not listen, but this time I did. Shocking - I know.... Anyway - after spending some time in prayer and talking to others God really laid it on my heart to get involved in small group ministry somehow. I scheduled an appointment with Matt and was prepared to talk to him about starting one.....little did I know - we already have one that he was looking to expand.....isn't God so cool! Well - I ended up being blessed to co-lead this crazy awesome group of 12 girls - 9th grade thru 12th grade - with this crazy awesome person I had NEVER met. We have been meeting now since September and we are just now really starting to dig in and figure this whole thing out. We met tonight and had some questions posed, mainly to the girls, just regarding our faith and our relationship with God and our families. It was so good to hear what these girls have to say and how they are feeling. There are a few girls in our group that I have always looked at as almost intimidating - they are those girls that you meet that just so seem to have it all together - but tonight I had a glimpse of a more transparent side of them that made me see that they are trying to figure it all out too. They truely want to figure it out - just like me - even with 22 years between us.

Most of the things that we talked about tonight really got me thinking.....which is unusual for me:) I am not a processor.....but today I am I guess!

It was asked of the girls what is one attribute if you will of God/Christ is the most difficult for us to grasp/understand.....is it that He died for us, or that He desires to be in a relationship with us imperfect humans, or the grace that He offers.....or just that He loves us unconditionally. The comment that really got me going was one of the girls talking about a conversation she had this week with her mom and how her mom was able to use the correlation of a mothers love for her children with Gods love for all of His children. I think that truely is a difficult concept to grasp unless you are a mother.... it is so huge to think that anyone can TRUELY love anyone unconditionally. But - I am a mother......I understand what her mother was telling her. I just forget sometimes that it is the same way that God loves me.

I truley have 2 of the coolest kids walking. I think they are amazing - in spite of their mother sometimes. I am excited in the morning for them to wake up, just so I can see their sweet faces and smell the sleep on them. I look forward to them coming home from school so I can hear about their day, and listen to them help each other with homework (that is always entertaining). I love to hang out with them on the weekends - whether it is at a soccer game or at home or driving to a birthday party. I cherish my time with them. This is how I feel about them in my heart. But - does my head always let them know that this is how I feel about them? When I am tired or had a bad day at work, or whatever - can they tell that I would give anything to be able to drop everything and just hang out with them? Big answer - NO. Should I be better about letting them know -YES! I love my girls with my whole heart. There is not a single thing either of them could do to make me stop loving them. Are there times I don't like how they act or what they do - sure - but I always love them. I really try to tell them, when I can - I don't like what you did - but I LOVE you. I think my girls know that I truely love them unconditionally. That may become more foreign to them as they get older, but today - they know I love them. They know that sometimes Mom lets things get in the way of my time with them, but that doesn't mean mommy doesn't love them.

I am a completely imperfect mother. Hence the name change on the blog..... I am the mom who forgets to send school pictures back in, who forgets to make sure the back pack was packed the night before, who doesn't always pack the tidy lunch box. I am the mom who makes my 7 year old and 10 year old fold their own laundry. I don't clean their rooms for them, I don't always remember to send notes in.....these are the reasons I say that my kids are amazing in spite of me. But - I love them with my whole heart. I would step in front of a speeding train to save them. I would rather give them up than be split in half..... I would die on a cross to save them from their sins........hmmmmm....I think I am beginning to comprehend just a bit more how much God loves me.

Catching Up and why do these things always happen to me...?

Haha! I started this blog with the intention of keeping up with it:) We can see how well I am doing that!

The girls had Fall Break last week - school was out Thursday & Friday! We had decided back in May/June to take them to the beach for the weekend. We were supposed to go to the beach back in the summer of 2005 with Papa and Nana, but that trip had to be cancelled unexpectedly, so the girls hadn't been to the beach since Hannah Grace was 1 year old! Way too long:)

We reserved a condo on Orange Beach - 2nd floor with a balcony overlooking the beach and the pool! We were so excited!

We let the girls skip school on Wednesday and headed out. We stopped in Millbrook and dropped the 2 little dogs off with Nana and headed down. We finally got checked in and to the condo around 4:30 - I think we were out on the beach by 4:45! you have to put your toes in the water first thing:)

On Thursday morning, the girls and I couldn't sleep. I made them go back to bed at first, but then as I saw the sun coming up on the horizon, I let them get up. How many times in their lives are they going to get to see the sun rise over the ocean?

We spent literally every minute we could on the beach! Poor Rob! The girls enjoyed playing in the sand and looking for shells. There was a bit of a sand bar so the water wasn't too rough right there in front of our condo. So nice. There was another family there that we are good friends wihth & it was nice to have someone to hang out with, but not feel obligated. Our girls had a great time with their kids and Mr. Kevin taught them to boogey board

......

One of the highlights for me was spending some time alone with the girls each morning before the others came out (we couldn't stand to be awake and not on the beach!). On Thursday morning, Abbi was trying to make a sandcastle and the sand kept crumbling and she made a comment about building a house out of sand. Opened the door for an awesome object lesson on bible story of the 2 men - one who built his house on sand and the other on solid rock. We had an awesome discussion on that. On Friday morning, we talked about creation and how amazing it is and how only God Himself could have created the world when you take into condsideration how things all work together and the beauty of it all. Saturday morning, the girls couldn't think of any one topic, so they just started singing praise songs as the three of us walked up and down the sand bar. What an awesome experience to be there in one of my favorite settings with 2 of my favorite singers and hear them singing "My God is Mighty to Save, He is Mighty to save...." at the top of their lungs. Wow. It was incredible.

We had amazing weather with just a bit of rain on Friday night. On Saturday, we took some time to actually clean up and take some family pictures on the beach. Coming soon to a Christmas Card near you:) It was such a great family vacation. We are so blessed to be able to do things like this. We are definitly going back next year - probably will do more cooking on our own rather than wasting time getting cleaned up and going out for dinner. Who knows! I do know that we will go again!

While we were there, I noticed a little rash under my arm. Thought it must just be a heat rash as it was hot and right where my swimsuit rubbed. I didn't think much of it until Sunday when I noticed it was very sore and my back was hurting as well, right around from it. By Monday, my brain was running the gammut! Working in the medical industry, you sometimes have just enought knowledge to be dangerous! I looked up rashes on one of our resource websites for the clinic, and self diagnosed with shingles - all the while holding out hope that I was wrong! When our close friends had their baby early Tuesday morning, I decided to get it looked at, just to be sure so that I could go to the hospital with a clear concience......no such luck! I was right this time:( so...... I have shingles. Anyone who has ever had chicken pox can get this & it is not contagious in that I could give someone shingles, but I could give someone chicken pox. Very strange thing. They say it comes out when you have been under a lot of stress....not sure how stressed I was laying on the beach, but I must have been before we went. So - needless to say - I couldn't go see the baby:( The biggest thing now is whether I can go to Denver next week to help Mom while George is still recovering from his stem cell transplant. He has a whole new immune system, so will have to be revaccinated.....but not yet. If my rash starts to clear up, i can go....please pray for that. Mom really needs some help. Why do these things always happen to me;) Just lucky I guess?

I have to laugh at myself sometimes when I get that attitude of Why me..... Sure, crazy things happen to us and our live have been one storm after another for the last 4 years, but....when I look at what other people deal with, I am quickly reminded just how blessed we really are. Storms come and things happen and we struggle just like everyone else - but God is still with us, still holding us up, still blessing us, still faithful to His promise....

Where do I begin.....

Oh my stars....what a life! I really don't know that anyone will ever read this, so it may be just more of a journal for me than anything else - well, with some great pictures of my awesome kiddos thrown in!

We are in such a crazy season in our family. We have been thru some pretty trying times over the past 4 years, but we are still standing tall. Of course we all - even down to 7 year old Hannah Grace - we all recognize that without God, we would be done. He has carried us thru these losses and held us all together firmly in His hand. I do wonder when we will have some rest from the drama......but God knows what we can handle - we just need to do a better job not trying to handle it for Him I think!

In spite of (or because of...) all of the craziness - we are busy busy people! Maybe we are volunteer junkies! How do we get ourselves into these things? Between our activities at church (don't ask me to list them.....there isn't enough room) and helping at the girls school, plus soccer, dance, gymnastics, tennis.......where do we find time to just chill? Haha! We are getting better.....trying to decide what the most important things are and working ourselves out of the things that are not. Yeah - need to work on that more!

So - as I said this will likely be more a journal for me - with a lot about the girls and Rob in there. Especially as we work toward the new things coming our way. I start school in January to complete my bachelors degree..... Abbi is finishing up elementary school this year and will head off to the wilds of Middle School....Hannah Grace is just Hannah Grace and must be mentioned on a regular basis! Should make for interesting journaling!